Dick Cheney Jokes

"According to the Washington Post, Vice President Dick Cheney is limping today because he injured his foot. Cheney said 'If you think my foot looks bad, you should see the old lady I was kicking.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The former chef of the White House has written a tell-all book. For example, he says that Dick Cheney, Vice President, his favorite dish is a dish called Chicken Gitmo. It's chicken bound and gagged on a bed of rice." --David Letterman

"According to the latest poll, 66% of Americans believe Dick Cheney has been given too much power by President Bush, and the other 34% think President Bush has been given too much power by Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"A Filipino spy broke into Dick Cheney's office this week, and that takes a lot because Dick Cheney's office is the back of a speeding ambulance." --Bill Maher

"Vice President Dick Cheney will have elective surgery or, as his doctors call it, a pre-autopsy." --Jay Leno

"A White House spokesman announced today that Vice President Dick Cheney's recovery is exceeding his doctor's expectations. You know what that means? He's still alive." --Jay Leno

"President Bush sent Vice President Dick Cheney to New Orleans. Is that what they need down there? Another person requiring emergency medical help?" --Jay Leno

"Although the waters have receded from New Orleans, it's still a huge, huge problem and will be for months to come. You see the fresh water is contaminated with oil and gas. Actually, from Dick Cheney's perspective, the oil and gas is contaminated with fresh water." -Jay Leno

"There's a rumor Dick Cheney may run for president in 2008. If he wins, that would make him the first three-term president since Franklin Roosevelt." --Jay Leno

"We finally have a scandal in this election: Lesbogate. Bob Schieffer asked a question about is homosexuality a choice, and Kerry mention Cheney's daughter. The Cheneys are now furious at him. They say they are very proud of her daughter. They are so proud, she should never, ever be mentioned in public." –Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney wouldn't even confirm that she's gay. She just says that she touches her roommate in an undisclosed location." –Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney feels responsible for his daughter being a lesbian because growing up, she heard him say 'go f**k yourself' so many times, she finally tried it." –Bill Maher

"The most amazing part of the debate was when Dick Cheney told John Edwards in his Darth Vader voice, 'John I am your father.'" --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney said that if John Kerry wins, there will be another attack. Then Cheney said, if Bush wins, I'll call it off." —Conan O'Brien

"The Bush campaign unveiled its new slogan. The new slogan is 'We've Turned A Corner And We're Not Turning Back.' This replaces their old slogan 'Do What Dick Cheney Says And Nobody Gets Hurt.'" —Conan O'Brien

"I don't know if you've heard the rumors — George Bush may be dropping Dick Cheney. George Bush says he's going to give Cheney four more years. The bad news — the doctor is only giving him two" —Craig Kilborn

"Cheney's temper got the best of him last week when he told Vermont Senator Pat Leahy to 'go F yourself' on the Senate floor. Wow that's so out of character. He seems like such a peach. ... Afterwards President Bush would not comment on Cheney's outburst adding, 'You think I want that psycho coming after me.' ... Dick Cheney does have a history of swearing, but usually he's clutching his chest and falling down." —Craig Kilborn

"This was nice, President Bush wished the Iraqis God's grace on their road to democracy. And then Vice President Cheney told them to go F-themselves." —Craig Kilborn

"Dick Cheney has announced that he has agreed to be Bush's running mate in 2004. Cheney says wants four more years as vice president, but I get the feeling Cheney wants four more years at anything. He said the only thing that could keep him from running is another double bacon cheeseburger." —Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney agreed to be President Bush's running mate once again in 2004. He made the announcement while riding in Ambulance One. In fact, he's got a new campaign slogan: No chest pain, no gain. ... He said he wanted four more years but his doctor is only giving him two." —Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?" —David Letterman

"Big news coming out of Washington, Dick Cheney will be running again for vice president. He says he is very healthy and that he has a doctor watching him 24 hours a day. This is a big improvement, it used to be a coroner." —David Letterman

"As Cheney told CNN, he has been 100 percent heart attack free since ascending to the vice presidency. He added, 'In fact, rather than giving me stress, being vice president has actually fueled my blackened soul, allowing me to gorge vampire-like on the bloody nectar of unlimited power.' I'm sorry that should have read 'I never felt better.'" —Jon Stewart, on Dick Cheney's insistence that he is the picture of health

"Vice President Dick Cheney has given another speech linking Saddam Hussein with the terrorist attacks of 9/11. Didn't President Bush say Saddam Hussein has nothing to do with the terrorist attacks? Here's my question, what if it turns out that Dick Cheney is the dumb one?" —Jay Leno

"It looks like they don't like us on TV, but you have to watch some of the other stories. I saw a story on an Iraqi/Kurd family who had so much appreciation for what we did in 1991 that they named their kid Dick Cheney. I'm not kidding. They have a little 11-year-old boy named Dick Cheney who is smart, brave, and gets along very well with his retarded brother Dan Quayle." —Bill Maher

"No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney." —David Letterman

"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Cheney continues his whirlwind 11-nation middle eastern tour designed to bring America's anti-terror message to the region. That message: Help us fight terror or ...Is that oil?" —Jon Stewart

"The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission." —David Letterman

"The White House is sending Vice President Dick Cheney to the Middle East this month. You get the feeling that President Bush's opinion of Cheney has changed since the Enron thing broke? You know a few weeks ago, all they would say about Cheney is that he was in a safe, undisclosed location. He's hidden away. As soon as Enron popped up, they sent him to the most dangerous place in the world." —Jay Leno

"Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge has unveiled a new color-coded system to warn the public about different states of danger. Red is the highest state of alert, and it means that Dick Cheney is about to eat a mozzarella stick." —Conan O'Brien

"There are certain elements of the Bond lifestyle I have yet to experience, Jay, but I'm hopeful." —Dick Cheney, joking on the Tonight Show about being described in the New York Times as having a "James Bond-like aura"

"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up. I'm ready to move on." —Jay Leno

"Today at the White House the president pardoned the turkey. This is done every year. The turkey will live out the rest of its life at a petting zoo in Virginia. By coincidence that's the same place that Dick Cheney is at." —Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is currently out in South Dakota on a three-day hunting trip. What better place for a man who has had four heart attacks than to be carrying a big gun and a backpack through the snow looking for red meat." —Jay Leno

"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo." —Jay Leno

"Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush, he can't just name a replacement. He would first have to be confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies" —Jay Leno

"At his wife's 60th birthday party in Jackson Hole, Wyoming Dick Cheney had a huge steak and battered onion rings for dinner. Afterwards he met with 100 donors, not campaign donors, heart donors." —Jay Leno

"President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before playing a round of golf in Crawford, Texas earlier today. ... This raises the question: Shouldn't the guy who is really running the country and who has had like 20 heart attacks be taking the vacation?" —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush is taking the entire month of August off. Bush said today he thinks it is important for a president to spend time away from Washington. Or at least that's what Dick Cheney told him." —Jay Leno

"According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest. Dick Cheney got his down to zero a couple of times." —Jay Leno

"President Bush played golf yesterday and I understand Vice President Dick Cheney also got in a couple of strokes." —Jay Leno

"Vice President Cheney is also on vacation. He's in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. What better place for a guy who has had 4 heart attacks than a place with thin air, rugged hiking and all-beef dinners? Why don't they get some snow for him to shovel while he's out there, too?" —Jay Leno

"Plans are being made to replace Dick Cheney if and when it ever becomes necessary. They have to plan for this kind of stuff, you know, Cheney had what, a stent, put in his artery to keep it open, had a defibrillator with batteries implanted in his chest. I think they've already started replacing him, piece by piece." —Jay Leno

"Here's your tax dollars at work. We are supposed to be conserving energy. The navy is now being asked to pay the electric bill for Vice President Dick Cheney's house in Washington, the Naval Observatory. They are asking us, the taxpayers, to pay the bill. You now how much it is? It is $186,000 a year! How many times are they shocking him back to life? There are two people that live in the house! What, are he and Bush electrocuting guys in the basement now?" —Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney, I wouldn't give this guy's troubles to a monkey on a rock. He gets his electric bill. He doesn't live in the White House. He lives next door in the junior White House. He gets his electric bill and it is $186,000. I am telling you he should have gotten the solar-powered pacemaker. You would have a big electric bill if you had to use those electric paddles eight times a day. On top of all that Cheney has laryngitis. He can't talk. Of course, that's from yelling all day: 'Quick, my heart pills, quick!'" —David Letterman

"Republicans want to know why the Navy won't pay for it. Democrats want to know why Cheney won't pay for it. And Californians want to know how come his electric bill is so low?" —Jay Leno

"Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney came down with laryngitis so his wife had to deliver a speech for him. After the speech, Cheney's wife had to spend the rest of the day telling President Bush what to do." —Conan O'Brien

"I'm told it's already an energy efficient device." —Dick Cheney, joking about his possible new pacemaker

"The latest mini-scandal to hit Washington, it seems the other night the Bush administration held a big party at Dick Cheney's vice presidential mansion for people who had given over $100,000 to the Republican party. He originally wanted to hold the party at the White House, but the donors that gave $100,000 to Cheney said no, no, for the kind of money we're spending, we want to meet the top guy, the man in charge." —Jay Leno

"In an interview with CNN this week, Dick Cheney said he may need more heart surgery. Cheney says his doctors have advised him to cut out all red meat, avoid stress and drop the extra 175 pounds (Bush picture on screen) that have been weighing him down." —Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Dick Cheney, our vice president, he was on a program the other night talking about his health. And, you know, he's had half a dozen heart attacks and he's always going back in for, you know, tune-up work and that kind of thing. And he said now that he may in the future have to have another procedure. And I was thinking I, you know, I miss the old White House. I miss Clinton. You remember the procedures he was getting?" —David Letterman

"While speaking to conservationists this week, Dick Cheney made it clear that he plans to deal with the rising gas prices by drilling in our federal wildlife refuge in Alaska. Cheney tried to sway his opponents saying trust me, there's enough oil up there to last us the rest of my natural life." —Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"George W. celebrated his 100 days in office yesterday . So George invited Congress to a luncheon and only a third of them showed up. Seems, kind of rude, doesn't it? But to be fair — who wants to watch Dick Cheney have his soup intravenously?" —David Letterman

"On Monday, President Bush will reach his 100th day in office. It's a big milestone for him, surpassed all expectations. In fact, so has Dick Cheney. Cheney was only supposed to make it to day 73." —Jay Leno

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman