Dick Cheney Shoots From The Hip

"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird." —Jon Stewart

"Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney." —David Letterman

"Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy. Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton." —Jay Leno

"You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.'" —Craig Ferguson

"But all kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his deal with the devil." —Jimmy Kimmel

"The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78- year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face." —"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry

Letterman's Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses
10. Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm
9. Wanted to get the Iraq mess of the front page
8. Not enough Jim Beam
7. Trying to stop the spread of bird flu
6. I love to shoot people
5. Guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter
4. I thought the guy was trying to go 'gay cowboy' on me
3. Excuse? I hit him didn't I?
2. Until Democrats approve Medicare reform, we have to make some tough choices for the elderly
1. Made bet with Gretzgy's wife